Life's Not Fair

Alternate Title:  Why Me?

I'm a little older, I got married last in most of my friend circles, so my friends having babies is nothing new.

Having a miscarriage while your friends are having babies can be devastating, I get it.

Not Fair 1:
The day my HCG numbers confirmed the pregnancy wasn't viable my good friend from high school sent a picture of an unexpected positive pregnancy test.  Happy for her, sad for me.

Not Fair 2:
The day I started spotting, my good friend from school sent us a message sharing she was pregnant.  Happy for her sad for me.

Both of these friends were due a couple of weeks before my anticipated due date of May 26th.  Talk about rough!  I prepared myself to watch their bellies grow and hear about their pregnancy, knowing I should be experiencing the same.  I felt like I couldn't share with these friends because I didn't want to be the Debbie Downer, I didn't want them to feel bad for me, or make them feel awkward.  So I decided I wouldn't say anything...I'm glad I changed that decision down the road.

~CP

Not Viable

Alternate Title:  The Drop

October 26, 2015

HCG dropped from 60000 to 58000--this means the pregnancy is not viable.  My nurse practitioner had told me that I had three options if the numbers confirmed a drop:

1-wait for it to happen naturally
2-jumpstart it with medicine, misoprostol
3-go under anesthesia for surgical removal

I felt so betrayed by my body (and to be honest I still do), how could I be 'tricked' into thinking I was pregnant, it was awful.  I googled and found that the type of miscarriage I was experiencing was called a missed miscarriage (mmc), this is where development stops but your body doesn't recognize it.  Although miscarriage is very common, a mmc is less common.  I always knew I was special and unique!

I so badly wanted things to happen naturally (although it was now nearly 4 weeks post development stopping), the other options made me feel like I was choosing to have an abortion and I wasn't okay with that option.  I prayed daily that bleeding would start. It's ironic because when you're first pregnant you go to the bathroom and pray you don't see blood, and here I was now desperately hoping I'd see blood.

We had already set a follow up appointment for October 28th.  I had the tiniest bit of brown blood start the evening of October 27th and I thought, "hallelujah, now I don't have to make a decision."  Boy was I wrong :/

~CP

October 22, 2015 "Oh Dear"

Alternate Title:  Worst Day, #1

On January 1, 2015 I decided this was going to be a great year, and only I could make it a great year.  I needed to look for the good things that happened each week.  I had found an idea on pinterest where you write down the best thing of the week and keep it in a jar/box to read on December 31st. Loved this idea, forced me to look for the good things each week.  Although I had decided this year would be hard to top: wedding, honeymoon to Paris, getting pregnant...

On October 22nd, 2015 I stopped writing my weekly good things for months, I couldn't think of any good things after that day for weeks.

I was so excited for our first 9 week appointment.  I had been having many pregnancy signs, morning sickness had recently started, I was peeing a lot, I had an elevated heart rate, all good signs.  We met with our nurse practitioner, who I came to adore over our next few visits.  We did all the fun first exams:  internal manual exam and then the awesome wand.  As she was looking at the monitor she asked my husband to press the blue call button.  When I asked why she said she wanted a doctor to come in and look to verify what she was seeing.  She told me that the embryo was measuring small in comparison to what I thought my conception date was.  When the doctor arrived our NP explained the situation and I will never forget what the doctor said, she looked at the monitor, looked at me and said "oh dear."  Although I was at 9 weeks, the embryo only measured 6 weeks and 4 days.

My husband, who was pre-med and is fascinated by medicine, began asking questions:  how can we be certain, how do we know development stopped, is there a possiblity it just measures small?  We didn't want to make any decisions until we were certain it was not a viable pregnancy.  I went in for a blood test and then took another one 48 hours later.  They were watching my HCG levels:  in a good pregnancy they should double, in a failed pregnancy they would drop.  I had to wait over the weekend, such a long wait.  In the meantime I was supposed to go meet my friend's newborn 2nd son, I cancelled, I just couldn't.  I sat around waiting for Monday to arrive.

~CP

Keeping the Pregnancy a Secret

Alternate Title:  Hush Hush
...continued:

6-Kept it a secret, from everyone.  We chose not to say anything just in case it didn't "stick"

It's funny how when you're first pregnant you nonchalantly throw in things like "if it sticks" or "if it works" when talking with your partner.  It's like you're preparing yourself for something to go wrong and if you say those things early on it makes it easier/better.  I'll tell you, it doesn't.  Rationally you know women have miscarriages and you pray you're not one of them, but you also try to prepare yourself, nothing prepares you.

I really did keep it secret, we wanted to make it to the 12 week mark (but as week 9 approached I thought we MIGHT tell our family)

Times I had to keep it secret:
--went to Breckenridge for a girls weekend and we had a wine tasting party.  I don't drink often, so not drinking wasn't a tell tale sign for my friends, but, another friend I haven't seen in a long time asked if we were thinking of starting a family and my go to line was "it doesn't happen easily for everyone."  And she understood, she told me that she had fertility support with her two kids (she was currently pregnant with her second) and she could share that info with me.  Little did she know I WAS pregnant
--a teacher at my school was pregnant and I desperately wanted to tell her I was pregnant too, I k
--went to the WIDA conference in Vegas with another pregnant person, I just watched what she ate so I knew if I could eat it or not :)
--She also opened up to me that she had been pregnant before, but had a miscarriage
--I made an excuse to go to a different line at the airport so I could ask for pat down instead of going through the air scanners

Looking back, I am glad I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, I can't imagine remembering my friends being so excited I was pregnant and then so sad with me when they learned of the miscarriage.  That's not to say it's right or wrong to tell people early or not, I just know I made the right decision for me.

~CP

Best Day Of Our Life

Alternate Title:  2 Pink Lines

A wanted pregnancy starts out as the best day of your life, you have no idea how it will end...

We were 'lucky' and got pregnant pretty quickly.  While excited, we still had out "holy crap we're gonna have a baby" moment.  Here is the rundown of how I handled my early pregnancy:

1-Thought I had my period, but it was super short and super light.  Googled it (google is such a blessing and a curse) and thought it may be implantation bleeding.  Took an at home pregnancy test on Sept. 20, 2015....VERY faint line.  Could this be right? Did the cheap pregnancy tests that came with the ovulation tests from Amazon REALLY work...
2-...yes they do, a faint line still means pregnant.  Doctor confirmed positive on September 24, 2015.
3-September 25th called for an appointment while at work, bad idea.  Kept getting called over the radio to come support in a classroom where two students had a meltdown, had to hang up on the nurse.  When I arrived to the room they had dumped over bookshelves!
4-Called back and was told I'd have to wait until week 9, I tried to push to come in during week 8 because I was on Fall Break, but no luck.  Appt set for October 22, 2015.
5-Started googling all about pregnancy, downloaded the What to Expect app.  Loved watching the little videos every week telling me the size of the baby.
6-Kept it a secret, from everyone.  We chose not to say anything just in case it didn't "stick"

to be continued....


~CP

And So It Begins

Alternate title:  Let's Start at the Very Beginning

I'm a processor.  I like to talk things through.  With lots of people.  It's they way I deal with things.  My husband pointed this out to me one time, and he's so right.

Miscarriage and fertility is not something many people talk about openly.  When we first found out about the miscarriage I said I wasn't go to tell anyone, for many reasons, which I'll get into later.  But I'm also not a good liar and when one friend asked about my 'stomach bug and why I cancelled coming to a party' it all came pouring out.  And each time I talked about it, I found more love and support, and that's what everyone needs.

I'm also finding that so many people just care so much about me and want to know what's happening and where we are in our journey (again, wise friends helped me see this).  Although I'm a processor, it's hard to call every single person and fill them in.  I'm writing this blog for three purposes:

1-As we've established, I'm a processor, writing things down is another way for me to process
2-I had a friend tell me she hoped I'd give her updates as I feel fit.  This blog will allow friends and family can follow our journey, if they choose
3-Even more so, I hope that someone who needs this blog stumbles upon and reads it and realizes they are not alone, no matter how 'special and unique' their journey may be seeming, there are others of us.

If you already know all the pre-pregnancy/miscarriage part of the story and are here to get caught up with the fertility side skip to ____________ (feels kind of like choose your own adventure, huh? :) )

Love and some pineapple core
~CP