Acceptance?

Alternate Title: The Grieving Cycle

So I was gung ho writing my story a month ago, and then stopped.  If you noticed, it's been one month since I wrote.  A lot has happened (blood tests, low amh hormone levels, acupuncture, making appointments at a fertility clinic, talk of IVF and egg donors, and eating pineapple) I may continue writing about it in upcoming posts, but wanted to share some thoughts I'm having today.

A few weeks ago I read a quote Kim Cattrall gave about how you can still be mothering without having children (read it here) and Jennifer Anniston recently discussed that we can be complete without kids (here) .  I've been giving it lots of thought, maybe I don't need kids to feel fulfilled?  I've always wanted to be a mom, but have honestly never had the desire to be pregnant.  The hubs and I have talked about adoption since very early on in our relationship, but as it becomes a closer reality, I'm not sure I'd want to.

I struggle a little bit thinking about being 60 and not having kids, but conversely, I struggle seeing myself at 60 and having a 20 year old.  I've spent almost 37 years of my life not answering to anyone. I like going to the store without a screaming kid, I like sleeping in "late" on the weekends, if money gets tight I only have to cut back myself.
Why did I want a family so badly?  First, I believe our children would be brilliant and do great things in the world.  My husband would be an amazing father.  I love seeing him with our friends' kids, he is a natural with babies.  It seems like the natural thing to do.  I want to give back to society, we need more good people in this world.  I like kids, look at my profession.
Are those reasons enough?

If the baby thing doesn't work out I have some ideas:
-mentor students, I can help under resourced kids be great additions to society--I could take them places, watch movies, go out to eat, care about their well-being, etc
-during the holidays I can show my love language of 'gifts' by giving presents to shelters, big bro/big sis, etc
-we'd definitely travel

I haven't even shared these thoughts with the hubs yet, because I wonder if I'm in the 'acceptance' phase of the grieving cycle, knowing that I'll cycle back to denial, anger, and sadness again.

Then again, perhaps I'm just trying to talk myself into the realization that I may not have kids.

I guess I've got time to think about it, we have our consult at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine at the end of August.

~CP

Light At the End of the Tunnel

Alternate Title:  #finally

We arrived for our appointment with the doctor...Which annoying, she didn't remember me, she said she hadn't met us, but I clearly remember her face and her "oh dear" comment, so I was irritated.  She looked at the report from the radiologist and confirmed what I already knew (from my friend Shannon), that yes I still had retained tissue.  She said we should probably schedule a D&C.  I cried.  And then she said, "Oh wait, this shows you have a collapsed follicle.  That means you're ovulating and should be getting your period soon.

What?  How did we just go from scheduling surgery to I'd be having a period?  Such relief!

About 7 days later I started a much heavier flow with cramping, what I assume a miscarriage is truly like.

3 days into my period I took yet another blood test and finally the HCG level was below 1.

So sad, but so happy it was done.

~CP

How to Talk to a Friend Who's Miscarried

Alternate Title:  All You Need is Love

I'd been on the other side of the fence before, knowing friends who had miscarriages and I had no clue what to do or say, so I said nothing.  I regret that decision so much!!

One friend told me she was "sorry this was my journey" and I loved it, this is a journey, not a nail in the coffin.

One friend left my favorite cupcakes on my porch, because cupcakes put smiles on faces, and I loved it.

One friend gave me a gift card for a pedicure, and I loved it.

One friend just cried with me and said she was so sorry, and I loved it.

There is not much you can do wrong when supporting a friend going through this...just be your kind self.


~CP

How I Decided to Tell Friends/Family

Alternate title: I'm Bad at Keeping Secrets

This seems like a good place to take a break and update you on how I started sharing about my miscarriage.

I'm sure everyone reacts to miscarriages differently, for me I didn't want to talk about it and I really felt like I couldn't talk about it because so many of my friends (and my sister!) were pregnant.

I told my parents first, over the phone, bad idea.  I think my mom thought I was telling her I was pregnant and I had to keep telling her, no it's sad news, don't be happy.  I told them I didn't want to tell my sisters until after my little sister had her baby and we visited her in December.  Didn't want them to worry about me being sad.

The first friend I had to tell was my boss, who's a man.  He had to know because I left work suddenly and was having all these doctor's appointments.  While it would seem awkward to talk to a man about it (granted I didn't give him the graphic details) he was so amazing and wrote me the kindest, most heartfelt note.

The next friend I told was my social worker friend who had moved to Cali.  I don't remember how it came out, but it did.  And she was so loving and supportive.

I decided to tell another friend, who had already surmised something was up (or so she claims) by my response to our friend being pregnant.

I had planned to not tell anyone else until we were happily and healthily pregnant again, but then...

I had cancelled meeting my friends the weekend of Halloween as the miscarriage was sort of beginning.  One friend called a few weeks later and asked if I just had that stomach bug and if I was feeling better.  I froze and then verbal vomited on her.  It would have been so easy just to say yes, but it felt so good to talk with someone who loved me and genuinely cared about what happened.  I could tell she was crying, too.

I got together for a Christmas Tea with two of my principal friends who are amazing life coaching people.  When I arrived they had big smiles and excitedly asked if I had anything to tell them, and I said, "no just sad news."  As I told them my story and mentioned I was waiting to tell my sisters they encouraged me to tell them because everyone just cares so much about me and wants the best.  And they were right, as I shared with more friends their love and support and concern filled my aching soul.

I'm not saying it's right to share your pain with everyone, but I want you to know that the people who love you, love you and will support you.  Sometimes you need that outside love and support, and it's okay to ask for it.


~CP

The Universe is Talking to ME

Alternate Title:  Still Pregnant :P

I went in for a full wand ultrasound, which I found out is typically the ultrasound women get at about 16 weeks.  I had given, Shannon, the sonographer the cliff's notes version of my 'issue.'  She looked at me and said she had gone through the same thing, 3 TIMES!  And then quickly said, "but I'm sure that won't happen to you."  I asked how she was able to talk about it, I could barely handle talking about it.  She then proceeded to tell me how excited she was because they were going through IVF (she then talked me through that whole process) and was getting her implantation the following week.

At the end of the appointment, I thanked her for telling me her story, and she told me I was the first person she'd met who'd had the same experience as her...you guys...she does this for a living and had never met anyone who'd gone through what we had.  While the coincidence is crazy, it made me feel less crazy finally finding someone who'd had the same experience.

While the sonographers are not supposed to "read" the results while taking pictures, my kindred spirit shared with me.  Based on what she could tell it looked like I still had a piece of retained tissue.


~CP

2 Pink Lines...STILL

Alternate Title:  I May Get Track Lines In My Arms

After the pregnancy test showing I still had hcg in my system, the NP had me take a blood test.  My HCG level was at 500.  I thought, "wow this is great, it dropped from 60,000 to 500."  I was wrong.  She said they would expect the levels to be even lower so they'd like me to go in weekly (WEEKLY!) for blood draws to ensure the levels continued to drop.

Every week I faithfully went in, and Emily gave my blood draw (oh yes, I forgot to mention the first few times I went in every freaking phlebotomist asked if I was pregnant...really?  Come on I imagine I'm not the only person who's had this done).  Each week I got an email from my NP saying "it's going down" and by down it was cutting in half, very slowly.

By this time, I had scoured the internet trying to find a story like mine...and nothing.  Not one person who'd had a mmc, 2 rounds of miso, and the pregnancy hormone would not get the F@$% out!

Finally mid-January (this is now 3 months post development stopping and 2 months post passing pregnancy) I received an email from the NP empathizing (she really is so great, so my  frustrations are not at her) and apologizing that had she'd known I'd be a "slow drop" she would have recommended surgery.  Slow drop?  That was a new term that I promptly Googled....

...and I found a thread within a board that was experiencing what I was.  This lady went in for another ultrasound and they discovered she had retained a tiny piece of tissue.  I emailed my NP asking how'd we'd know if I retained tissue, and ironically I passed a small piece of tissue that night (keep in mind I still hadn't had a period).  The actual doctor responded and suggested I come in for a full ultrasound.  Do you know how annoying it is to have to pay $500 for ultrasounds just to verify you're not pregnant.  It's annoying, trust me!  But I set an appointment for an ultrasound.


~CP

Giving it a Jumpstart

Alternate Title:  I'm One in a Million (Okay, 1 in 20)

I was ironically excited when I started spotting, thinking my body had finally recognized it wasn't a good host for this embryo.  When we went to the doctor on October 28th, she told me that the spotting I had experienced was not enough to indicate a miscarriage starting.

So now we had to decide, continue to wait, medicine, or surgery.  I knew I didn't want to do surgery (the internet had scared me with all the stories of people who's uterus was damaged and they were infertile).  Emotionally the prior week had sucked, so I decided to take the miso.  The NP informed me that miso works for 80% of women (spoiler alert:  keep in mind I'm one of a kind unique....).  She also gave me the first dose, sent me with another dose to insert the next day if things didn't start picking up.  She shared that I should expect a heavy flow period, passing of tissue, and some painful cramping.  They send you home with vicodin; some women liken the cramps to childbirth.

I went home ready, took the next day off of work and waited for a painful, icky experience...and I waited, and I waited, and I waited.  I had some mild to moderate cramping and inconsistent bleeding and I passed a couple of marble sized tissue.  After 2 days of this nothingness, I decided to return to work.  The next week bleeding picked up slightly, but not by much.

I went to the doctor again, on November 4th.  I got a wand ultrasound, again, which confirmed that I was still pregnant.  This moment was devastating, I just wanted to be D.O.N.E!  While they don't normally give miso a second time, they agreed to for me.

To shorten the story, basically it was Groundhog's day.  After a day of sitting around, AGAIN, I decided to return to work.  Mid-day I went to the bathroom, as normal, and when I wiped I saw a robin's egg sized tissue in the toilet.  I could not believe that had passed without me even noticing.  I emailed my doctor and she said that sounded like it was the pregnancy.  I think I was in shock when it happened, in retrospect I'm sad that was my experience, but glad that my job is all consuming and I didn't have time to think about it, 300 little faces needed me.

The following week another wand confirmed I had passed the pregnancy.  I continued to have light menstrual bleeding for about 3 weeks.  The NP told me to take a pregnancy test at the end of November to ensure HCG was out of my system.  And...it was positive, ugh!


~CP