So I was gung ho writing my story a month ago, and then stopped. If you noticed, it's been one month since I wrote. A lot has happened (blood tests, low amh hormone levels, acupuncture, making appointments at a fertility clinic, talk of IVF and egg donors, and eating pineapple) I may continue writing about it in upcoming posts, but wanted to share some thoughts I'm having today.
A few weeks ago I read a quote Kim Cattrall gave about how you can still be mothering without having children (read it here) and Jennifer Anniston recently discussed that we can be complete without kids (here) . I've been giving it lots of thought, maybe I don't need kids to feel fulfilled? I've always wanted to be a mom, but have honestly never had the desire to be pregnant. The hubs and I have talked about adoption since very early on in our relationship, but as it becomes a closer reality, I'm not sure I'd want to.
I struggle a little bit thinking about being 60 and not having kids, but conversely, I struggle seeing myself at 60 and having a 20 year old. I've spent almost 37 years of my life not answering to anyone. I like going to the store without a screaming kid, I like sleeping in "late" on the weekends, if money gets tight I only have to cut back myself.
Why did I want a family so badly? First, I believe our children would be brilliant and do great things in the world. My husband would be an amazing father. I love seeing him with our friends' kids, he is a natural with babies. It seems like the natural thing to do. I want to give back to society, we need more good people in this world. I like kids, look at my profession.
Are those reasons enough?
If the baby thing doesn't work out I have some ideas:
-mentor students, I can help under resourced kids be great additions to society--I could take them places, watch movies, go out to eat, care about their well-being, etc
-during the holidays I can show my love language of 'gifts' by giving presents to shelters, big bro/big sis, etc
-we'd definitely travel
I haven't even shared these thoughts with the hubs yet, because I wonder if I'm in the 'acceptance' phase of the grieving cycle, knowing that I'll cycle back to denial, anger, and sadness again.
Then again, perhaps I'm just trying to talk myself into the realization that I may not have kids.
I guess I've got time to think about it, we have our consult at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine at the end of August.
~CP
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