Acceptance?

Alternate Title: The Grieving Cycle

So I was gung ho writing my story a month ago, and then stopped.  If you noticed, it's been one month since I wrote.  A lot has happened (blood tests, low amh hormone levels, acupuncture, making appointments at a fertility clinic, talk of IVF and egg donors, and eating pineapple) I may continue writing about it in upcoming posts, but wanted to share some thoughts I'm having today.

A few weeks ago I read a quote Kim Cattrall gave about how you can still be mothering without having children (read it here) and Jennifer Anniston recently discussed that we can be complete without kids (here) .  I've been giving it lots of thought, maybe I don't need kids to feel fulfilled?  I've always wanted to be a mom, but have honestly never had the desire to be pregnant.  The hubs and I have talked about adoption since very early on in our relationship, but as it becomes a closer reality, I'm not sure I'd want to.

I struggle a little bit thinking about being 60 and not having kids, but conversely, I struggle seeing myself at 60 and having a 20 year old.  I've spent almost 37 years of my life not answering to anyone. I like going to the store without a screaming kid, I like sleeping in "late" on the weekends, if money gets tight I only have to cut back myself.
Why did I want a family so badly?  First, I believe our children would be brilliant and do great things in the world.  My husband would be an amazing father.  I love seeing him with our friends' kids, he is a natural with babies.  It seems like the natural thing to do.  I want to give back to society, we need more good people in this world.  I like kids, look at my profession.
Are those reasons enough?

If the baby thing doesn't work out I have some ideas:
-mentor students, I can help under resourced kids be great additions to society--I could take them places, watch movies, go out to eat, care about their well-being, etc
-during the holidays I can show my love language of 'gifts' by giving presents to shelters, big bro/big sis, etc
-we'd definitely travel

I haven't even shared these thoughts with the hubs yet, because I wonder if I'm in the 'acceptance' phase of the grieving cycle, knowing that I'll cycle back to denial, anger, and sadness again.

Then again, perhaps I'm just trying to talk myself into the realization that I may not have kids.

I guess I've got time to think about it, we have our consult at the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine at the end of August.

~CP

Light At the End of the Tunnel

Alternate Title:  #finally

We arrived for our appointment with the doctor...Which annoying, she didn't remember me, she said she hadn't met us, but I clearly remember her face and her "oh dear" comment, so I was irritated.  She looked at the report from the radiologist and confirmed what I already knew (from my friend Shannon), that yes I still had retained tissue.  She said we should probably schedule a D&C.  I cried.  And then she said, "Oh wait, this shows you have a collapsed follicle.  That means you're ovulating and should be getting your period soon.

What?  How did we just go from scheduling surgery to I'd be having a period?  Such relief!

About 7 days later I started a much heavier flow with cramping, what I assume a miscarriage is truly like.

3 days into my period I took yet another blood test and finally the HCG level was below 1.

So sad, but so happy it was done.

~CP

How to Talk to a Friend Who's Miscarried

Alternate Title:  All You Need is Love

I'd been on the other side of the fence before, knowing friends who had miscarriages and I had no clue what to do or say, so I said nothing.  I regret that decision so much!!

One friend told me she was "sorry this was my journey" and I loved it, this is a journey, not a nail in the coffin.

One friend left my favorite cupcakes on my porch, because cupcakes put smiles on faces, and I loved it.

One friend gave me a gift card for a pedicure, and I loved it.

One friend just cried with me and said she was so sorry, and I loved it.

There is not much you can do wrong when supporting a friend going through this...just be your kind self.


~CP

How I Decided to Tell Friends/Family

Alternate title: I'm Bad at Keeping Secrets

This seems like a good place to take a break and update you on how I started sharing about my miscarriage.

I'm sure everyone reacts to miscarriages differently, for me I didn't want to talk about it and I really felt like I couldn't talk about it because so many of my friends (and my sister!) were pregnant.

I told my parents first, over the phone, bad idea.  I think my mom thought I was telling her I was pregnant and I had to keep telling her, no it's sad news, don't be happy.  I told them I didn't want to tell my sisters until after my little sister had her baby and we visited her in December.  Didn't want them to worry about me being sad.

The first friend I had to tell was my boss, who's a man.  He had to know because I left work suddenly and was having all these doctor's appointments.  While it would seem awkward to talk to a man about it (granted I didn't give him the graphic details) he was so amazing and wrote me the kindest, most heartfelt note.

The next friend I told was my social worker friend who had moved to Cali.  I don't remember how it came out, but it did.  And she was so loving and supportive.

I decided to tell another friend, who had already surmised something was up (or so she claims) by my response to our friend being pregnant.

I had planned to not tell anyone else until we were happily and healthily pregnant again, but then...

I had cancelled meeting my friends the weekend of Halloween as the miscarriage was sort of beginning.  One friend called a few weeks later and asked if I just had that stomach bug and if I was feeling better.  I froze and then verbal vomited on her.  It would have been so easy just to say yes, but it felt so good to talk with someone who loved me and genuinely cared about what happened.  I could tell she was crying, too.

I got together for a Christmas Tea with two of my principal friends who are amazing life coaching people.  When I arrived they had big smiles and excitedly asked if I had anything to tell them, and I said, "no just sad news."  As I told them my story and mentioned I was waiting to tell my sisters they encouraged me to tell them because everyone just cares so much about me and wants the best.  And they were right, as I shared with more friends their love and support and concern filled my aching soul.

I'm not saying it's right to share your pain with everyone, but I want you to know that the people who love you, love you and will support you.  Sometimes you need that outside love and support, and it's okay to ask for it.


~CP

The Universe is Talking to ME

Alternate Title:  Still Pregnant :P

I went in for a full wand ultrasound, which I found out is typically the ultrasound women get at about 16 weeks.  I had given, Shannon, the sonographer the cliff's notes version of my 'issue.'  She looked at me and said she had gone through the same thing, 3 TIMES!  And then quickly said, "but I'm sure that won't happen to you."  I asked how she was able to talk about it, I could barely handle talking about it.  She then proceeded to tell me how excited she was because they were going through IVF (she then talked me through that whole process) and was getting her implantation the following week.

At the end of the appointment, I thanked her for telling me her story, and she told me I was the first person she'd met who'd had the same experience as her...you guys...she does this for a living and had never met anyone who'd gone through what we had.  While the coincidence is crazy, it made me feel less crazy finally finding someone who'd had the same experience.

While the sonographers are not supposed to "read" the results while taking pictures, my kindred spirit shared with me.  Based on what she could tell it looked like I still had a piece of retained tissue.


~CP

2 Pink Lines...STILL

Alternate Title:  I May Get Track Lines In My Arms

After the pregnancy test showing I still had hcg in my system, the NP had me take a blood test.  My HCG level was at 500.  I thought, "wow this is great, it dropped from 60,000 to 500."  I was wrong.  She said they would expect the levels to be even lower so they'd like me to go in weekly (WEEKLY!) for blood draws to ensure the levels continued to drop.

Every week I faithfully went in, and Emily gave my blood draw (oh yes, I forgot to mention the first few times I went in every freaking phlebotomist asked if I was pregnant...really?  Come on I imagine I'm not the only person who's had this done).  Each week I got an email from my NP saying "it's going down" and by down it was cutting in half, very slowly.

By this time, I had scoured the internet trying to find a story like mine...and nothing.  Not one person who'd had a mmc, 2 rounds of miso, and the pregnancy hormone would not get the F@$% out!

Finally mid-January (this is now 3 months post development stopping and 2 months post passing pregnancy) I received an email from the NP empathizing (she really is so great, so my  frustrations are not at her) and apologizing that had she'd known I'd be a "slow drop" she would have recommended surgery.  Slow drop?  That was a new term that I promptly Googled....

...and I found a thread within a board that was experiencing what I was.  This lady went in for another ultrasound and they discovered she had retained a tiny piece of tissue.  I emailed my NP asking how'd we'd know if I retained tissue, and ironically I passed a small piece of tissue that night (keep in mind I still hadn't had a period).  The actual doctor responded and suggested I come in for a full ultrasound.  Do you know how annoying it is to have to pay $500 for ultrasounds just to verify you're not pregnant.  It's annoying, trust me!  But I set an appointment for an ultrasound.


~CP

Giving it a Jumpstart

Alternate Title:  I'm One in a Million (Okay, 1 in 20)

I was ironically excited when I started spotting, thinking my body had finally recognized it wasn't a good host for this embryo.  When we went to the doctor on October 28th, she told me that the spotting I had experienced was not enough to indicate a miscarriage starting.

So now we had to decide, continue to wait, medicine, or surgery.  I knew I didn't want to do surgery (the internet had scared me with all the stories of people who's uterus was damaged and they were infertile).  Emotionally the prior week had sucked, so I decided to take the miso.  The NP informed me that miso works for 80% of women (spoiler alert:  keep in mind I'm one of a kind unique....).  She also gave me the first dose, sent me with another dose to insert the next day if things didn't start picking up.  She shared that I should expect a heavy flow period, passing of tissue, and some painful cramping.  They send you home with vicodin; some women liken the cramps to childbirth.

I went home ready, took the next day off of work and waited for a painful, icky experience...and I waited, and I waited, and I waited.  I had some mild to moderate cramping and inconsistent bleeding and I passed a couple of marble sized tissue.  After 2 days of this nothingness, I decided to return to work.  The next week bleeding picked up slightly, but not by much.

I went to the doctor again, on November 4th.  I got a wand ultrasound, again, which confirmed that I was still pregnant.  This moment was devastating, I just wanted to be D.O.N.E!  While they don't normally give miso a second time, they agreed to for me.

To shorten the story, basically it was Groundhog's day.  After a day of sitting around, AGAIN, I decided to return to work.  Mid-day I went to the bathroom, as normal, and when I wiped I saw a robin's egg sized tissue in the toilet.  I could not believe that had passed without me even noticing.  I emailed my doctor and she said that sounded like it was the pregnancy.  I think I was in shock when it happened, in retrospect I'm sad that was my experience, but glad that my job is all consuming and I didn't have time to think about it, 300 little faces needed me.

The following week another wand confirmed I had passed the pregnancy.  I continued to have light menstrual bleeding for about 3 weeks.  The NP told me to take a pregnancy test at the end of November to ensure HCG was out of my system.  And...it was positive, ugh!


~CP

Life's Not Fair

Alternate Title:  Why Me?

I'm a little older, I got married last in most of my friend circles, so my friends having babies is nothing new.

Having a miscarriage while your friends are having babies can be devastating, I get it.

Not Fair 1:
The day my HCG numbers confirmed the pregnancy wasn't viable my good friend from high school sent a picture of an unexpected positive pregnancy test.  Happy for her, sad for me.

Not Fair 2:
The day I started spotting, my good friend from school sent us a message sharing she was pregnant.  Happy for her sad for me.

Both of these friends were due a couple of weeks before my anticipated due date of May 26th.  Talk about rough!  I prepared myself to watch their bellies grow and hear about their pregnancy, knowing I should be experiencing the same.  I felt like I couldn't share with these friends because I didn't want to be the Debbie Downer, I didn't want them to feel bad for me, or make them feel awkward.  So I decided I wouldn't say anything...I'm glad I changed that decision down the road.

~CP

Not Viable

Alternate Title:  The Drop

October 26, 2015

HCG dropped from 60000 to 58000--this means the pregnancy is not viable.  My nurse practitioner had told me that I had three options if the numbers confirmed a drop:

1-wait for it to happen naturally
2-jumpstart it with medicine, misoprostol
3-go under anesthesia for surgical removal

I felt so betrayed by my body (and to be honest I still do), how could I be 'tricked' into thinking I was pregnant, it was awful.  I googled and found that the type of miscarriage I was experiencing was called a missed miscarriage (mmc), this is where development stops but your body doesn't recognize it.  Although miscarriage is very common, a mmc is less common.  I always knew I was special and unique!

I so badly wanted things to happen naturally (although it was now nearly 4 weeks post development stopping), the other options made me feel like I was choosing to have an abortion and I wasn't okay with that option.  I prayed daily that bleeding would start. It's ironic because when you're first pregnant you go to the bathroom and pray you don't see blood, and here I was now desperately hoping I'd see blood.

We had already set a follow up appointment for October 28th.  I had the tiniest bit of brown blood start the evening of October 27th and I thought, "hallelujah, now I don't have to make a decision."  Boy was I wrong :/

~CP

October 22, 2015 "Oh Dear"

Alternate Title:  Worst Day, #1

On January 1, 2015 I decided this was going to be a great year, and only I could make it a great year.  I needed to look for the good things that happened each week.  I had found an idea on pinterest where you write down the best thing of the week and keep it in a jar/box to read on December 31st. Loved this idea, forced me to look for the good things each week.  Although I had decided this year would be hard to top: wedding, honeymoon to Paris, getting pregnant...

On October 22nd, 2015 I stopped writing my weekly good things for months, I couldn't think of any good things after that day for weeks.

I was so excited for our first 9 week appointment.  I had been having many pregnancy signs, morning sickness had recently started, I was peeing a lot, I had an elevated heart rate, all good signs.  We met with our nurse practitioner, who I came to adore over our next few visits.  We did all the fun first exams:  internal manual exam and then the awesome wand.  As she was looking at the monitor she asked my husband to press the blue call button.  When I asked why she said she wanted a doctor to come in and look to verify what she was seeing.  She told me that the embryo was measuring small in comparison to what I thought my conception date was.  When the doctor arrived our NP explained the situation and I will never forget what the doctor said, she looked at the monitor, looked at me and said "oh dear."  Although I was at 9 weeks, the embryo only measured 6 weeks and 4 days.

My husband, who was pre-med and is fascinated by medicine, began asking questions:  how can we be certain, how do we know development stopped, is there a possiblity it just measures small?  We didn't want to make any decisions until we were certain it was not a viable pregnancy.  I went in for a blood test and then took another one 48 hours later.  They were watching my HCG levels:  in a good pregnancy they should double, in a failed pregnancy they would drop.  I had to wait over the weekend, such a long wait.  In the meantime I was supposed to go meet my friend's newborn 2nd son, I cancelled, I just couldn't.  I sat around waiting for Monday to arrive.

~CP

Keeping the Pregnancy a Secret

Alternate Title:  Hush Hush
...continued:

6-Kept it a secret, from everyone.  We chose not to say anything just in case it didn't "stick"

It's funny how when you're first pregnant you nonchalantly throw in things like "if it sticks" or "if it works" when talking with your partner.  It's like you're preparing yourself for something to go wrong and if you say those things early on it makes it easier/better.  I'll tell you, it doesn't.  Rationally you know women have miscarriages and you pray you're not one of them, but you also try to prepare yourself, nothing prepares you.

I really did keep it secret, we wanted to make it to the 12 week mark (but as week 9 approached I thought we MIGHT tell our family)

Times I had to keep it secret:
--went to Breckenridge for a girls weekend and we had a wine tasting party.  I don't drink often, so not drinking wasn't a tell tale sign for my friends, but, another friend I haven't seen in a long time asked if we were thinking of starting a family and my go to line was "it doesn't happen easily for everyone."  And she understood, she told me that she had fertility support with her two kids (she was currently pregnant with her second) and she could share that info with me.  Little did she know I WAS pregnant
--a teacher at my school was pregnant and I desperately wanted to tell her I was pregnant too, I k
--went to the WIDA conference in Vegas with another pregnant person, I just watched what she ate so I knew if I could eat it or not :)
--She also opened up to me that she had been pregnant before, but had a miscarriage
--I made an excuse to go to a different line at the airport so I could ask for pat down instead of going through the air scanners

Looking back, I am glad I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant, I can't imagine remembering my friends being so excited I was pregnant and then so sad with me when they learned of the miscarriage.  That's not to say it's right or wrong to tell people early or not, I just know I made the right decision for me.

~CP

Best Day Of Our Life

Alternate Title:  2 Pink Lines

A wanted pregnancy starts out as the best day of your life, you have no idea how it will end...

We were 'lucky' and got pregnant pretty quickly.  While excited, we still had out "holy crap we're gonna have a baby" moment.  Here is the rundown of how I handled my early pregnancy:

1-Thought I had my period, but it was super short and super light.  Googled it (google is such a blessing and a curse) and thought it may be implantation bleeding.  Took an at home pregnancy test on Sept. 20, 2015....VERY faint line.  Could this be right? Did the cheap pregnancy tests that came with the ovulation tests from Amazon REALLY work...
2-...yes they do, a faint line still means pregnant.  Doctor confirmed positive on September 24, 2015.
3-September 25th called for an appointment while at work, bad idea.  Kept getting called over the radio to come support in a classroom where two students had a meltdown, had to hang up on the nurse.  When I arrived to the room they had dumped over bookshelves!
4-Called back and was told I'd have to wait until week 9, I tried to push to come in during week 8 because I was on Fall Break, but no luck.  Appt set for October 22, 2015.
5-Started googling all about pregnancy, downloaded the What to Expect app.  Loved watching the little videos every week telling me the size of the baby.
6-Kept it a secret, from everyone.  We chose not to say anything just in case it didn't "stick"

to be continued....


~CP

And So It Begins

Alternate title:  Let's Start at the Very Beginning

I'm a processor.  I like to talk things through.  With lots of people.  It's they way I deal with things.  My husband pointed this out to me one time, and he's so right.

Miscarriage and fertility is not something many people talk about openly.  When we first found out about the miscarriage I said I wasn't go to tell anyone, for many reasons, which I'll get into later.  But I'm also not a good liar and when one friend asked about my 'stomach bug and why I cancelled coming to a party' it all came pouring out.  And each time I talked about it, I found more love and support, and that's what everyone needs.

I'm also finding that so many people just care so much about me and want to know what's happening and where we are in our journey (again, wise friends helped me see this).  Although I'm a processor, it's hard to call every single person and fill them in.  I'm writing this blog for three purposes:

1-As we've established, I'm a processor, writing things down is another way for me to process
2-I had a friend tell me she hoped I'd give her updates as I feel fit.  This blog will allow friends and family can follow our journey, if they choose
3-Even more so, I hope that someone who needs this blog stumbles upon and reads it and realizes they are not alone, no matter how 'special and unique' their journey may be seeming, there are others of us.

If you already know all the pre-pregnancy/miscarriage part of the story and are here to get caught up with the fertility side skip to ____________ (feels kind of like choose your own adventure, huh? :) )

Love and some pineapple core
~CP