Not Viable

Alternate Title:  The Drop

October 26, 2015

HCG dropped from 60000 to 58000--this means the pregnancy is not viable.  My nurse practitioner had told me that I had three options if the numbers confirmed a drop:

1-wait for it to happen naturally
2-jumpstart it with medicine, misoprostol
3-go under anesthesia for surgical removal

I felt so betrayed by my body (and to be honest I still do), how could I be 'tricked' into thinking I was pregnant, it was awful.  I googled and found that the type of miscarriage I was experiencing was called a missed miscarriage (mmc), this is where development stops but your body doesn't recognize it.  Although miscarriage is very common, a mmc is less common.  I always knew I was special and unique!

I so badly wanted things to happen naturally (although it was now nearly 4 weeks post development stopping), the other options made me feel like I was choosing to have an abortion and I wasn't okay with that option.  I prayed daily that bleeding would start. It's ironic because when you're first pregnant you go to the bathroom and pray you don't see blood, and here I was now desperately hoping I'd see blood.

We had already set a follow up appointment for October 28th.  I had the tiniest bit of brown blood start the evening of October 27th and I thought, "hallelujah, now I don't have to make a decision."  Boy was I wrong :/

~CP